


Habits

by princessmiakitten



Category: Free!
Genre: Angst, Character Death, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-01
Updated: 2014-09-01
Packaged: 2018-02-15 19:31:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,124
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2240796
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/princessmiakitten/pseuds/princessmiakitten
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nanase Haruka isn't known for his coping mechanisms.<br/>He's known for going to clubs and leaving with a new man every night.<br/>Whatever helps him get through the day.</p>
<p>{Based on Tove Lo's "Habits (Stay High)"}</p>
            </blockquote>





	Habits

It’s a sickeningly sweet scent that surrounds Haruka now instead of the crisp scent of the ocean. Gentle ripples of the water, the calming sound of the waves were now replaced by tangible wisps of smoke, by overbearing beats of music and irritating laughter of strangers.

 

It was all meaningless, anyway.

 

Life was meaningless without him.

 

Haruka doesn’t spend much time in the water anymore. He doesn’t indulge himself with his bath, he doesn’t stay in his home for longer than it takes to take a quick shower and change his clothes.

 

Sometimes, not even that long.

 

He’s different. Impassive as ever, but instead he’s seemed to find himself surrounded by people. People that didn’t know more than his name, that didn’t know him for more than one night.

 

Different night, different faces.

 

In the back of his mind, Haruka knows that there’s only one face he wants to see; there’s only one face he can’t see. He can’t see those emerald green eyes that sparkled and glittered with adoration as they looked down at Haruka’s impassive face. Eyes that displayed his feelings like a billboard, that never judged a single soul.

 

Bright green eyes that slowly dimmed right before his own watery blue ones.

 

_“I love you, Haru.”_

 

The coarse voice in his head brought along a flash of pain in his chest and caused his dull eyes to widen, a gasp ripped from his lungs.

 

Haruka needed to stop thinking.

 

He spotted the man staring at him from the bar, and Haruka didn’t think twice as he sauntered over. Large hands rested on Haruka’s slim waist and roughly pulled him closer as razor sharp teeth nipped at his neck.

 

These hands weren’t warm or soft. These hand’s didn’t caress Haruka’s skin as if it were made of the most fragile fabric. These hands were rough and calloused, most likely leaving marks on Haruka’s pale skin with the harsh grip. These hands were not Makoto’s hands.

 

But that was what Haruka wanted, wasn’t it?

 

He wanted things that didn’t remind him of the green-eyed teenager with whom he had grown up. The same teenager who would pull him out of the bathtub or the pool when Haruka would stay far too long. The same teenager with whom Haruka shared all of his firsts.

 

First kiss. First time. First love. Only love.

 

The man snarled, possibly due to Haruka’s lack of a reaction to his hands roaming the lean body. Without an explanation, Haruka leaned forward to capture the stranger’s lips in a heated kiss. It was routine now: go to the club, find someone to get him drunk with the promise of the teenager going home with them, manage to sneak out in the morning to go home for a quick shower, and repeat.

 

Stay away from his home as long as possible.

 

Stay away from the water as long as possible.

 

They both contained too many memories of him, of Makoto, and Haruka wouldn’t be able to bear the weight in his chest for too long. Not while he was alone.

 

That would only make him relive those final moments.

 

_“I love you, Haru.” Those perfect pink lips mouthed, stretched by the same serene smile the brunet wore his entire life. The one that reassured that everything would be okay, even when it clearly was not._

_This wasn’t how it was supposed to be._

_Makoto wasn’t supposed to go like this. He wasn’t supposed to be lying in a hospital bed, hooked up to a monitor that only served as a countdown of his final heartbeats. He wasn’t supposed to lose the warmth he emanated from his very being._

_He wasn’t supposed to leave Haruka feeling so cold._

_Makoto’s large hand wrapped around Haruka’s dainty one, giving him a small squeeze. Haruka knew that it was all the strength he could muster in this state._

Haruka didn’t even notice that he was being led out of the club, arm seized by the man eager to get into the teenager’s unbelievably tight pants. His mind is numb, as his body, probably due to the alcohol flowing through his bloodstream.

 

He doesn’t remember how many drinks he’s had.

 

He never remembers.

 

He doesn’t care to remember.

 

It’s a sequence he knows all too well. A little heavy petting in the car on the way to the pick-of-the-night’s place, being dragged out of the car and into a place of habitation, back pressing against the door as a too-wet mouth marks his neck and tries to multitask by unbuttoning Haruka’s shirt and opening the door.

 

From there, it’s a struggle to walk to the bedroom as the stranger undresses both himself and Haruka, all the while keeping his mouth on the unresponsive teenager.

 

It miffs the stranger just a little to see those oceanic eyes so dull.

 

He only puts up with it because he knows Haruka’s easy.

 

The teenager goes through the motions of getting on his knees for the much older, mouth working wonders on his arousal.

 

It’s only good because he’s perfected it with practice with every man with whom he’s gone home. Even in his numb state, he proves to be satisfactory, which causes this stranger to blissfully fall asleep by the end of the night.

 

And just like every other night, Haruka lies there, wide awake.

 

Cold.

 

Numb.

 

Haruka wriggles out of the stranger’s hold, quietly puts on his clothes, and leaves. No note, nothing to show that he was there during the night.

 

The sun is slowly rising as Haruka enters his empty flat, a small part of him wishing that there was a gentle voice welcoming him home. But this place isn’t home anymore. He doesn’t have a home any longer.

 

Not without Makoto.

 

On a whim, Haruka enters his bathroom and turns on the hot water before getting into the tub with all of his clothes on. He brings his knees to his chest as the bath fills, water burning his skin.

 

He still doesn’t feel warm.

 

Haruka closes his eyes, body shaking as he lets out his pent up cries of anguish, of pain, of longing. He couldn’t stand this-- this existence without Makoto.

 

That’s all he was doing, really. Existing.

 

Barely.

 

_“I love you, Haru-chan.”_

 

“I love you, too, Makoto.”

 

It was a broken whisper. The only thing that disrupted the eerie silence of the apartment. When Haruka closed his eyes, he could still see the glittering green eyes with which he had fallen in love.

 

He laid back in the tub, eyes closed and head beneath the surface of the water.

 

Even if Makoto had broken their childhood promise of staying by his side, Haruka would keep it.

  
He would be with Makoto forever.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm really sorry omg i haven't written angst in forever makoto is my heart and soul ;;


End file.
